a few years ago i was at an all time low in my life. i was in a relationship that just about ruined any thought of confidence i had in myself, with a guy who was constantly comparing me to girls who had nicer abs then i had seen on any human before in my life, surrounded by his sisters who continually picked apart every inch of their body and were trying new diets every week to get that "summer bod" that everyone wants. its no wonder i not only had zero confidence, but was led to thinking that i wasn't good enough and became extremely depressed and developed an eating disorder.
before i get into the really nitty gritty of my experience, i want to share a few things about eating disorders, because i feel like it isn't talked about enough so people don't really understand that eating disorders don't just include starving yourself or throwing up your food when you finish eating, its much more than that.
an eating disorder is defined as "any of a range of psychological disorders (such as anorexia/bulimia) characterized by serious disturbances of eating behavior", so it doesn't just include being anorexic or bulimic, it also includes being malnourished and not fueling your body with what it needs to function. According the The National Medline Plus, "starving" yourself, is going underneath the recommended 1200-1500 calorie a day intake. A diet of 500-800 calories a day is dangerously low and should not be done unless it is a medically supervised diet. so if you don't feel as though you're categorized as anorexic or bulimic but you aren't eating the amount you need a day to keep your body going, because of negative influences, ( because eating disorders aren't about food, they're about the negative emotions that come about from not feeling good enough, or being stressed, depressed, anxious and everything in-between, and become a coping mechanism ), you need to realize that you have problem and need to change. this was the hardest thing for me; because i wasn't technically "anorexic" or "bulimic" i didn't see a problem, but i wasn't eating enough for myself because i was trying to cope with the anxiety of a mentally, and emotionally unstable and abusive relationship.
back to my experience... while i was in this relationship, i had absolutely no idea anything was wrong, because this had been the norm for me for almost 2 years. it wasn't until recent that i realized that i and a problem and needed to change it. i was at an all time low, weighing 91 pounds with a B.M.I. of 10 , (side note: a healthy BMI is between 18.5 and 24.9) , i was struggling to walk to work and stand on my feet for owe 3 hours without wincing from the pain of pinched nerves in my lower back. every night when i got home from work, i would end up crying myself to sleep because of the constant lower back pain, i couldn't go on hikes or runs without fighting back tears, needless to say, i was not in the best place of my life and i had no idea it was because i had an eating disorder. i blamed all the pain and frustration on previous injuries from a high school cross country career, and continued to ignore the real problem at hand.
when this relationship ended, and it ended badly, (i think i win in the worst breakup ever category, maybe ill explain later?), things got worse. i was broken and had no idea what to do so i decided to move back home to texas. for the first three weeks of being home, i didn't do a thing. i stayed inside and slept, maybe having a dr pepper, or a bowl of cereal to eat for the whole day, and watched too much tv. i finally got bored and started getting out of the house and feeling a little better, and thats when everyone started mentioning how little i was, and of course, being a girl, it felt as if i was getting complimented for being so skinny, so i started to feel a little better day by day, but my diet remained the same. i started getting more confident in who i was and decided that i needed to face my demons (a.k.a my ex and his crazy ass family , sorry not sorry!) , and move back to utah, cause there had to be a reason the God led me there in the first place. i was so worried that i would be alone in utah, since i moved to utah for this ex of mine in the first place, that i decided to use good ol' Facebook and find people i knew that lived in utah, and to find myself a friend to hang out with, and thats when colton and i reconnected, and i thank God every day we did!
i flew back to utah and started hanging out with colton on the daily, and i mean, who wouldn't want to hangout with someone who took you out to eat for breakfast lunch AND dinner?! i was in heaven! little did i know that he wanted to make sure i was staying healthy and eating, because from the two years that had passed since we last saw each other, i had lost about 30 pounds that i didn't need to lose, and he was worried about my health, and slowly i began my journey back to my healthy body. now it wasn't the easiest journey, and i definitely had some hiccups here and there, and way too much negative self talk, but i can finally say that i am HEALTHY, and it feels amazing. yeah i still don't have the ripped bod that i want, and i still get back pain every now and again, but i am healthy enough to go to the gym, to go on a run, or a hike without crying because i am in so much pain. i can finally fall asleep comfortably, and stand on my feet for a long amount of time and its the most amazing feeling in the world. i still have to fight every day to have a good day, and to remain positive with myself, but i am slowly learning how good it is, to feel good, and i couldn't be more grateful.
so if you are struggling at all, with any version of an eating disorder, please try your hardest to follow these steps so that you too can become healthy again.
1) HAVE A SUPPORT SYSTEM
do not be afraid to talk to someone! if you are scared to talk to friends or family, talk to me! I've been through it and i understand. i am more than happy to help you with anything you need.
2) LEARN HOW TO COPE
because eating disorders become a coping mechanism for many people, try and focus that energy somewhere else! figure out the problem at hand and use exercise, reading, music, or the outdoors as your new coping mechanism.
3) IMPROVE YOUR SELF IMAGE
make a list of your positive qualities. focus on what you like about your body. challenge the negative self talk. wear clothing that makes you happy. stay away from the scale. celebrate yourself!!!
4) DONT DIET
learn healthy eating habits. instead of focusing on what you shouldn't eat, focus on what you need to keep your body fueled and keep a regular eating schedule!
5) IF YOU NEED MORE HELP
turn to your primary care physician for help, and a referral to a doctor or nutritionist that can help you, or call the national eating disorder association hotline at 1.800.931.2237
6) and lastly, LOVE YOURSELF
xoxo leilani
