Growing up I didn't have very many friends, and the friends I did have, didn't last very long. Either we grew apart, they moved, or most of the time, they became a part of the "popular" group that I definitely was not a part of. I wish so badly that I would have known then what I know now about how people who really are your best friends, treat you, maybe then i would have had a better high school experience. Now don't get me wrong, the friends I did have in high school, were the most amazing people on this planet, and still to this day they mean the world to me, so to those of you who were my best friends in high school, i am beyond grateful for everything you did for e and taught me. With that being said we're going to get into the nitty gritty.
So when I was a sophomore in high school, there was this group of girls that I was friends with, and for one of the girls birthdays they decided to go to a hotel and have party there with just all the girls. When it came time for the party, I had my mom drive me over to this girls house where everyone was suppose to meet at 7pm, but when I got there, no one was home. I was pretty confused at why no one was home, and thought that maybe it had gotten rescheduled and they just forgot to tell me, so I called all the 6 other girls who were invited and no one was answering. I had my mom take me back home and i spent the whole night wondering why on earth no one would answer their phone. Being the naive, extremely loving person that i was, i thought the best and just assumed everyone was busy doing their own thing cause the birthday party had been rescheduled. I never thought that I would be purposely left out, i mean that only happens in movies right? The next night I was on Facebook and saw that everyone had posted up pictures of this awesome hotel birthday party that i was suppose to be at. Apparently everyone else had met at 5pm and left, and I was the only one who was told to come over at 7pm, they had purposely left me out. I was completely heart broken, these people who i thought were my best friends had told me the wrong time so that they didn't have to hangout with me at the party.
Eventually this group of friends that I thought I was a part of, came up with their own name, the sixlets, and i was the seventh person, so obviously i wasn't a part of this group that I thought were my best friends. I was told that the reason I wasn't a part of the group was because there was a girl in the group that didn't like me, and the only reason she was in the group was because her mom called the other girls moms and said that they had to include her. So because she was included, i wasn't. And of course I believed them, and honestly up until I opened up to my husband about this, I still believed them. He finally made me understand that the harsh reality was that they were really shitty friends to me, and that sometimes the people you think are your friends, really aren't meant to be your BFF.
Now im not saying this for sympathy, and if you're reading this and its about you, don't feel bad, I've moved on and grown from this experience. It has made me who I am today, and has made me accepting of everyone because i know how it feels to not be included. I couldn't feel more blessed to go through this experience. With that being said - here is what I wish I would have known and asked myself when I thought my "BFF's" were really my BFF's.
1) Am I physically/emotionally drained after being with them?
We all have different energy levels, and that includes how long we can deal with one another. After an amount of tine spent with your "BFF", do you feel physically and/or emotionally drained from the negativity the person gives off? Or do you feel energized and excited about life after spending time with this person?
2) Do I feel like I have to compete? Am I fighting for attention?
Do you feel like no matter what you say, your BFF is always coming up with a better story? Do you feel like you're having to fight for attention, or "who's better"?
3) What makes up the core of your relationship?
How did y'all become friends? Did you bond over gossip and negativity or did you bond over similar goals and love and compassion?
4) Do I have to worry about offending them? Am I walking on eggshells?
Do you worry that if you give your opinion, they're going to fight back because they're offended? Or can you have a civil disagreement and learn from differing opinions?
5) Do they encourage me and my goals? Or put them down?
Having people on your side who respect and encourage your goals is extremely important - your friends should lift you up and make you feel confident about your dreams, not put them down.
6) Do they undermine what I'm saying?
Do they try to invalidate your feelings? Are they willing to listen or do they shut you down?
7) Do I have to keep things from them?
We all have secrets but if you feel like you have to keep everything from your BFF, that's definitely a red flag.
8) Is it an equal relationship?
Do you both give 100%, or are you the only one making an effort? If it's one sided, its not much of a relationship
9) Am I nervous or excited to tell them things?
Do you get excited to tell them good news, or are you nervous because they'll get jealous or uncomfortable?
10) How do I feel about myself when I'm around them?
Do they make you feel confident and important? Or are they always poking fun at you? Do you feel crummy when you're around them? Life is already full of things trying to put you down, your BFF shouldn't be that way
11) Do they respect what I ask for?
Can you be open and honest with each other and know that they'll listen? Or do you feel like they disregard how you feel?
12) Do they want the best for me?
In the end this is all that matters - if they want the best for you, they will lift you up and make you feel confident, important and excited about life. If not, GET RID OF THEM, this is not someone you want in your life.
All in all, your friends should treat you as good as you treat them. So go out there and be the best friend that you can be, and be an example to others about how a true friend should act.
xoxo leilani
So when I was a sophomore in high school, there was this group of girls that I was friends with, and for one of the girls birthdays they decided to go to a hotel and have party there with just all the girls. When it came time for the party, I had my mom drive me over to this girls house where everyone was suppose to meet at 7pm, but when I got there, no one was home. I was pretty confused at why no one was home, and thought that maybe it had gotten rescheduled and they just forgot to tell me, so I called all the 6 other girls who were invited and no one was answering. I had my mom take me back home and i spent the whole night wondering why on earth no one would answer their phone. Being the naive, extremely loving person that i was, i thought the best and just assumed everyone was busy doing their own thing cause the birthday party had been rescheduled. I never thought that I would be purposely left out, i mean that only happens in movies right? The next night I was on Facebook and saw that everyone had posted up pictures of this awesome hotel birthday party that i was suppose to be at. Apparently everyone else had met at 5pm and left, and I was the only one who was told to come over at 7pm, they had purposely left me out. I was completely heart broken, these people who i thought were my best friends had told me the wrong time so that they didn't have to hangout with me at the party.
Eventually this group of friends that I thought I was a part of, came up with their own name, the sixlets, and i was the seventh person, so obviously i wasn't a part of this group that I thought were my best friends. I was told that the reason I wasn't a part of the group was because there was a girl in the group that didn't like me, and the only reason she was in the group was because her mom called the other girls moms and said that they had to include her. So because she was included, i wasn't. And of course I believed them, and honestly up until I opened up to my husband about this, I still believed them. He finally made me understand that the harsh reality was that they were really shitty friends to me, and that sometimes the people you think are your friends, really aren't meant to be your BFF.
Now im not saying this for sympathy, and if you're reading this and its about you, don't feel bad, I've moved on and grown from this experience. It has made me who I am today, and has made me accepting of everyone because i know how it feels to not be included. I couldn't feel more blessed to go through this experience. With that being said - here is what I wish I would have known and asked myself when I thought my "BFF's" were really my BFF's.
1) Am I physically/emotionally drained after being with them?
We all have different energy levels, and that includes how long we can deal with one another. After an amount of tine spent with your "BFF", do you feel physically and/or emotionally drained from the negativity the person gives off? Or do you feel energized and excited about life after spending time with this person?
2) Do I feel like I have to compete? Am I fighting for attention?
Do you feel like no matter what you say, your BFF is always coming up with a better story? Do you feel like you're having to fight for attention, or "who's better"?
3) What makes up the core of your relationship?
How did y'all become friends? Did you bond over gossip and negativity or did you bond over similar goals and love and compassion?
4) Do I have to worry about offending them? Am I walking on eggshells?
Do you worry that if you give your opinion, they're going to fight back because they're offended? Or can you have a civil disagreement and learn from differing opinions?
5) Do they encourage me and my goals? Or put them down?
Having people on your side who respect and encourage your goals is extremely important - your friends should lift you up and make you feel confident about your dreams, not put them down.
6) Do they undermine what I'm saying?
Do they try to invalidate your feelings? Are they willing to listen or do they shut you down?
7) Do I have to keep things from them?
We all have secrets but if you feel like you have to keep everything from your BFF, that's definitely a red flag.
8) Is it an equal relationship?
Do you both give 100%, or are you the only one making an effort? If it's one sided, its not much of a relationship
9) Am I nervous or excited to tell them things?
Do you get excited to tell them good news, or are you nervous because they'll get jealous or uncomfortable?
10) How do I feel about myself when I'm around them?
Do they make you feel confident and important? Or are they always poking fun at you? Do you feel crummy when you're around them? Life is already full of things trying to put you down, your BFF shouldn't be that way
11) Do they respect what I ask for?
Can you be open and honest with each other and know that they'll listen? Or do you feel like they disregard how you feel?
12) Do they want the best for me?
In the end this is all that matters - if they want the best for you, they will lift you up and make you feel confident, important and excited about life. If not, GET RID OF THEM, this is not someone you want in your life.
All in all, your friends should treat you as good as you treat them. So go out there and be the best friend that you can be, and be an example to others about how a true friend should act.
xoxo leilani
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